My Confession

Where is the passion I once had? This is a question I often ask myself. I remember a time, many years ago, when I had a passion for God that was unbeatable. I had all the right words and the ability to encourage someone through God in such a way that seems unreal to me now. Sometimes I just sit and wonder where it went. But honestly, I know exactly where it went. That’s what happens when you spend as many years running from God as I did.

It seems like now; I am the one that needs the encouragements rather than being the one giving it out. Oh, how I wish I could turn that around. I wish I could be as strong as I once was in God, and that is partly why I pursued the education that I am in now (Theology), but honestly, I know that no amount of education can give you strength in the Lord. No, that kind of strength can only come through faith and a good long walk with God. One day I will get there.

Sometimes I have to fight off anger with myself. Because I was so darn stupid. God put it on my heart to pursue a life after Him, and I chose to run instead. Can you imagine how close my relationship could be with God now had I not done that? I mean I am still trying to re-gain everything I had before.

One thing I have discovered is that it is so much easier to have a relationship with God when you still have your innocence. When I made the choice to run from God, I started down a road that led to destruction. It ended in struggling and pain, an unwanted divorce and being a single mother. It is so much harder to have faith in goodness once you have experienced the true pains that this life has to offer.

But I am here to tell you that there is life after death, and there can always be a new beginning. When you think you have hit rock bottom, is when God will build you up, if only you ask. No matter how far you stray from Him, you can always find your way back. Even though I am not quite where I want to be in my relationship with God, I can feel myself growing in Him by leaps and bounds every day. And I have never been happier with myself than I am now for making that decision to make things right. You know what’s funny, is before I used to constantly nit-pick at my appearance: My weight, my hair, my face, my clothes. Especially my weight. I used to dislike my body before I had my daughter 4 1/2 years ago, then after I had her I struggled to get back to what I was before I had her, let alone any preconceived notion I had of what I should look like before.

The thing is, you would be surprised at how happy you will become with the outside (and every other aspect of your life for that matter), when you get right with God on the inside.

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

<><  Summer

 

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3 thoughts on “My Confession

  1. So, true, I too have fallen away from God. I lost my faith that no matter what happened God has there, and now I do not have that security net. I find myself trying to regain it. A prayer for you, and the light at the end of the tunnel is that one day you will be able to use this experience in your ministry for the Lord.

    • Thank you. And it is easy to stray away and think our own plans are better. But we always learn they are not. I am just thankful that even though we may turn our backs on God over and over, He will never turn His back on us! How wonderful it is to serve a faithful God, even when we fall short of faithful.

  2. Speaking as one who has been down this road several times because of things that have happened to me in my life, I can tell you that forgiving others is equally important as forgiving yourself. Self loathing is self idolizing and it gets you nowhere. It is the devil’s trap to get you to get your eyes on your failures and off of God. Check how God the Father responds to his son who rebelled and how the son who rebelled responds.

    “But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger! ‘I will get up and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me as one of your hired men.”‘ “So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. “And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his slaves, ‘Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate.
    (Luk 15:17-24)

    If you look at the story of the Prodigal Son or Daughter, whatever the case. It is when the child comes to his senses and is a long way off, still covered in pig slop and poop that the Father r has compassion, runs and hugs and kisses his son. He doesn’t let the son even get out his I’m sorry speech that he had rehearsed. He puts a robe on him and places sandals on his feet because slaves didn’t wear such things and he places a ring on his finger which is restoration to the family and to a position of authority. And he makes a great celebration. It is also the only picture in the bible where the Father, who is normally seated, runs to His son, kisses him and embraces him. Now that is Love!

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