Where is the passion I once had? This is a question I often ask myself. I remember a time, many years ago, when I had a passion for God that was unbeatable. I had all the right words and the ability to encourage someone through God in such a way that seems unreal to me now. Sometimes I just sit and wonder where it went. But honestly, I know exactly where it went. That’s what happens when you spend as many years running from God as I did.
It seems like now; I am the one that needs the encouragements rather than being the one giving it out. Oh, how I wish I could turn that around. I wish I could be as strong as I once was in God, and that is partly why I pursued the education that I am in now (Theology), but honestly, I know that no amount of education can give you strength in the Lord. No, that kind of strength can only come through faith and a good long walk with God. One day I will get there.
Sometimes I have to fight off anger with myself. Because I was so darn stupid. God put it on my heart to pursue a life after Him, and I chose to run instead. Can you imagine how close my relationship could be with God now had I not done that? I mean I am still trying to re-gain everything I had before.
One thing I have discovered is that it is so much easier to have a relationship with God when you still have your innocence. When I made the choice to run from God, I started down a road that led to destruction. It ended in struggling and pain, an unwanted divorce and being a single mother. It is so much harder to have faith in goodness once you have experienced the true pains that this life has to offer.
But I am here to tell you that there is life after death, and there can always be a new beginning. When you think you have hit rock bottom, is when God will build you up, if only you ask. No matter how far you stray from Him, you can always find your way back. Even though I am not quite where I want to be in my relationship with God, I can feel myself growing in Him by leaps and bounds every day. And I have never been happier with myself than I am now for making that decision to make things right. You know what’s funny, is before I used to constantly nit-pick at my appearance: My weight, my hair, my face, my clothes. Especially my weight. I used to dislike my body before I had my daughter 4 1/2 years ago, then after I had her I struggled to get back to what I was before I had her, let alone any preconceived notion I had of what I should look like before.
The thing is, you would be surprised at how happy you will become with the outside (and every other aspect of your life for that matter), when you get right with God on the inside.
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.