I really apologize for not making any posts lately. There have been many times I have wanted to write and by the time I could sit down to do it the motivation was just gone. Lately I have been struggling with my own faults and short comings; Impatience, frustration, confusion, etc. Most of all though, I have been dealing with my own self esteem issues. This is something I have always dealt with, because I have always been “different”. I’ve always struggled to fit in, like a round peg in a square hole. I think this has been the biggest hindrance on my walk with God. Why? Because somehow I thought that if I pretended that my relationship with God was non-existent that people would like me better. That back fired on me big time. Because then my walk with God did actually become non-existent, and truthfully I might have gained 1 or 2 friends from it but at the end of the day I couldn’t stand myself.
And what good did that do me? Word of advice: It doesn’t matter how many people like you, or how many friends you have. What matters is whether or not you like yourself; because that is the person you have to live with 24/7.
Some people are perfectly happy with a simple life, a simple job or being a stay at home mom. And that is perfectly fine if that is what God has planned for you. Perhaps that is where YOUR greatness is (we are all meant to accomplish different things. And we all have our own purpose). But for me, I always knew there was something else. I was never satisfied with a simple job. Perhaps it comes from the fact that at one time I was called by God to be a missionary, and everything after that for me could never compare. What it boils down to is this; at the end of this life, when I am old, I want to feel like I accomplished everything I was put here to do. And for me, working as a cashier or waitress just didn’t cut it. I felt like I was getting closer with the culinary arts, but even that falls short of God’s plan for my life. Are you living in God’s plan? Are you accomplishing what you are meant to accomplish (whatever that may be for you)?
Here is one thing I know, God had planned greatness for me, and at some point I let Satan determine a different path. I started following my heart, instead of leading it. But I can’t change where I am, or who I am today. And would I? No. But this is a time when I am letting God transform my life into a new plan He has made. It is never too late to get back on the road of greatness; you just have to choose to do it.
I have to make the admission that the biggest thing that held me back was love. I fell in love with someone who was not nearly as enthusiastic about “God’s plan” as I was, and in order to preserve that relationship I gave up God’s plan. I knew he wouldn’t want that life style, and a part of me was afraid he would leave me if I pursued it.
The point is, this gave me a reason to stay instead of going into the missions field. When I was originally called it was easy to submit, because I had nothing I needed to give up. As a result I avoided church for 10 years because I didn’t want to feel guilty for not going when I was called. I knew that in order to be a Christian at all, I had to surrender completely. And that meant going if God called me again, even if it meant leaving my un-believing husband behind, or him leaving me.
The thing is, when we do surrender, we realize that it means having faith that God will take care of all of our fears. I realize now that had I submitted to God’s plan that He would have taken care of my husband’s heart. But hindsight is always 20/20. Most of us feel unable or inadequate to accomplish what we are called to do, but God doesn’t always call the equipped; yet He always equips the called. Do you have the faith to leap into the seemingly impossible? This is something I have struggled with; and time and time again; God always proves to me that ultimately He is in control.