Trial And Error

I haven’t written in a couple of weeks because I have been going through a lot lately. My blogs come to me by inspiration. I know some people think it’s crazy, but sometimes I really feel the Holy Spirit brings things to my attention and sometimes even gives me the words to write here and there. Not everything, but sometimes I find myself writing things that really surprise me.

My daughter and I are both starting school this week (for her, kindergarten) and I have been going through a lot with my health. I don’t like to get into a lot of details online about my health, but if you read my earlier blog about “spiritual warfare” you may remember that I mentioned I was going to be having surgery and I might have cancer. Well, I was at high risk for it, and they had to remove part of my cervix and send it in to find out if I had cancer. The whole procedure was a mess and as it turned out I possibly had the worst Dr. in all of WV. I am not going to go into any gruesome details, but it was an absolute nightmare!

This whole thing has had my whole brain so screwed up I haven’t felt any inspiration to write since. But, I feel I am being inspired this week. So I shall write!

I was just told I was at high risk for cancer a couple of months ago, but when the Dr. did the procedure to cut everything out I did not feel confident he cut out the right parts because, well, it’s a long story. However; with that said, the test results came back saying that what they cut out was completely normal (and really, I never needed the procedure in the first place). Hmmmm. Well my first inclination is that this is because, obviously, they cut out something they didn’t need too and left what they were supposed to cut out. The only way I can know for sure is to go to a different Dr. and have them see if the cancerous/pre-cancerous cells are still there, which I have an appointment for tomorrow.

With that said, I am left thinking 1 of 2 things. Did God heal me, and why did He wait until AFTER I had to go through an awful nightmarish experience at the Doctor’s office to figure that out? And do I still possibly have cancer because my Dr. is a complete idiot? The good news is, I will know the answer to this question soon.

The irony of the idea that I could have been fine and had to have a horrible experience to figure that out, not to mention that the damage done to my cervix during the procedure means I cannot have any more kids, is quite nauseating to me. But, I realize that I have to have faith that if God healed me once He can certainly heal me again. And I say that meaning both mentally and physically.

Whether I have been healed now or later is not the issue. Either way I know God will bring me out of this whole situation stronger than I was before.

In school this week I have been learning about how salvation comes to a heart that fully understands it’s lost and needfulness. I think that is true for salvation, but it is true for many other things. In order to appreciate how much we need God, we have to understand just how lost we are without Him. I have said it before, and I will say it again. We depend on God just as much (more, actually) as our pets depend on us. We depend on Him to provide for us in every aspect of life. Until we understand that, we cannot be humbled enough to appreciate what Christ did on the cross for us.

Ecclesiastes 35:18-20: 18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return.”

I am a firm believer in the fact that God does not test us to try and figure out how “faithful” we are to Him (because He already knows). But He does let us encounter trials and tests to teach us something about ourselves.

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Everything we experience in this life, including the process of prayer, is more about changing us than it is about moving God to action. Prayer is an act of worship, whereby our hearts are exercised in faith. God knows our hearts without us saying a word, but prayer brings us to that place where we recognize that we are lost without God. We learn more about ourselves through it, and through everything we see and do each day that we are blessed enough to breathe on this earth.

Our greatest need is the transforming work of God in our hearts. It is the recognition of helplessness that we have without Him.

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

<><  Summer

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7 thoughts on “Trial And Error

  1. Yikes….I’m sorry for your trials and problems. It’s not what we want for sure. A former pastor of mine always said something like, “I won’t pray for your trials to end because I don’t know what God wants to accomplish through them.”

    • I like that. It is a lot of what I was trying to say lol. Sometimes we ask God to do things thinking we know what is best for us, but really we have no idea, only God knows.

  2. Summer, I can not imagine what you have been going through both physically and emotionally. Bless your heart. I am going to pray for you. Those verses in phillipians mean so much to me. My husband and I visited his family recently and went to his former church. The pastor’s sermon was on those verses. I felt like that morning that God gave pastor tony that sermon just for me. I really needed to hear it and I needed those verses to be able to turn to. And I have thought about them very frequently since. I was having a really rough time last night dealing with some anxieties in my life and I went to those verses and just prayed. I really hope that everything is going to turn out okay for you. I’m going to check back in on you soon.

    • Thank you so much Marcey. It’s not been easy. I didn’t sleep for about 4 days last week, but I am starting to accept things and feel emotionally a little better. Accepting is all I can do, I cannot change anything. The not being able to fix it or change it was what really bothered me the most, I felt so very very helpless. Which is why I felt it was important that I pointed out that where I am right now is really a place where everyone needs to be at some point in their life to really appreciate just how much we need God. At some point during my mental melt down I started thinking about the fact that I could not change anything, and the only way I could even start to fix things was to start praying, because God is my only hope.

  3. Jesus hasn’t gotten out of the miracle working business because He is the same today, yesterday, and forever. As far as you saying you won’t be able to have kids anymore, remember Sarah and Abraham. If God can give a couple in their 100’s a child is anything too hard for the Lord? Does He need a cervix to give you your own physical children born from your body? God is a God of your hard place and nothing is impossible for him/her who believes.

    • Thank you, Tony. I do believe that God can do anything. I believe He can and possibly would give me more children but at the same time I am not sure that is what is in His plan for me. I am 24 (I’ll be 25 in a few weeks) and it just breaks my heart that I am experiencing these troubles at such a young age. I do have 1 daughter, and a part of me believed that I would have a second child when she started school. Well she started Monday and I am certainly not going to be having any children anytime soon. If I don’t have anymore, I am okay with that. I am just leaving it up to God.

  4. We know that Jesus is coming soon. We need to be ready. Our life experiences and how we deal with them teach us something about out relationship with Christ. Do we trust Him, totally, without reservation, holding nothing back? We will need that kind of experience, when nothing makes sense, when all earthly support seems gone. He is the Rock of our Salvation. The ever-present Help in times of trouble. He is the Anchor in the storm. I know He will see you through this crisis and whatever else may come your way. Blessings. Patricia

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