It has really been a long time since I have written! Many of you are probably wondering why; well to be honest, I haven’t had a whole lot of things on my heart to write about. In fact, that is exactly what I’m going to write about now! God has been quite silent to me for a couple of months now. It’s very frustrating, going from feeling like we were best pals to all of a sudden feeling as if I’m being shunned. I realize that I’ve been extremely busy, busy, and busy! And I wonder if maybe all of the hustle and bustle of my life has caused me to push God away.
Since the last time I’ve written, I’ve become much more involved in church than I used to be, completed 3 more college courses, and opened my own business. Plus my daughter is on summer break from school, and I’ve been trying to spend as much time with her as possible.
I’ve wondered what exactly God is trying to say to me in His silence. It seems that despite my desperate plea, God seems to be keeping His distance these days. The painful silence has my head buzzing with all sorts of doubts and fears, but non-the-less; I’ve learned something about myself in the process. I’ve learned that even through the fears and doubts, I made a decision to follow God and that will never change. I will continue to do all of the things that I know God has called me to do, even if I can’t feel Him near. That is a decision I made almost 2 years ago, and I won’t throw in the towel now over a little silence.
The number one thing that has kept me confident and fearless lately is all the times that I remember feeling God’s hand on my life in the past.
This experience has helped me to understand something else as well. I have to think of when Jesus was on the cross. In the moment when the sin of the world was put on Jesus, God had to look away since God cannot look on sin (Hab 1:13):
45 From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. 46 About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (Which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).
When God turned His back on Jesus, I believe this was the worst part of the whole experience for Him. With that said, I believe God is silent to us for a few different reasons: when He is not ready to speak, He is testing us, He wants us to make an important decision, He knows we won’t listen anyway, or something is hindering our ability to listen. I do not feel too sure in why God has seemed so far away lately, but who knows, maybe it was just so I would write this here, and you would read it!